Confused Partridge, Wondering How This Pear Tree Got Here
by Ichthyophobia
Summary: Hakuba can't go home for Christmas, "tradition" turns out to be relative, and Kaito is helpful, for given definitions of the word. (Done for the Secret Santa gift exchange on Poirot Cafe forums. My recipient was SharaRaizel! Not really any pairings. Merry Christmas!)


**A.N.: Merry Christmas to everyone and especially SharaRaizel from Poirot Cafe Forums! Her request at the Secret Santa event was "I wish for a story about Hakuba having to stay in Japan for Christmas, unable to go home to England, so Kaito & co. do their best to cheer him up. :)" Hopefully this is something like what she was thinking** **.**

 **I did a ton of research for this, but it's entirely possible (and probably likely) that I've missed some important things. So just keep in mind, the events of this story are British traditions interpreted by Japanese teenagers being written by a clueless American. Sorry if I've gotten something wrong; excessive googling is no substitute for experience. And feel free to tell me if something is really super out of place. (Though I am aware I'm using both americanisms and largely american spelling even in the parts of the story where Hakuba's the POV character; in my experience British people are much better at interpreting americanisms than Americans are at interpreting British-isms, and my spelling is terrible anyway.)**

 **Anyway. I hope you all enjoy!**

* * *

The trouble, in retrospect, started in study group.

Well, no, not quite. The trouble really started when Aoko _started_ the study group, and thus ensured that Hakuba and Kaito would have to put up with both each other and Akako for an hour and a half every Tuesday and Thursday.

Nobody's sure what she was thinking, other than Akako needed help with math, Hakuba needed someone to keep him up on the classwork he missed off on cases, Aoko could use some help reviewing in chemistry, and if nobody made Kaito sit still he'd never get the literature reading done. So just looking at all the bits and pieces a study group made sense.

Looking at the _people_ , put together?

It did not.

But the trouble - or at least, _this_ trouble - started in study group, on a Thursday, in the first week of December. The little table in the corner of the library was going over math, Aoko explaining to Akako the principle behind matrixes and Hakuba matching Aoko's notes to the assigned reading, while Kaito sat upside down with his legs over the back of the chair, nose buried in _Tsurezuregusa_. Nothing unusual, really, save that Kaito had actually stopped complaining for once and none of Hakuba's possessions had disappeared yet.

Then Hakuba's cell phone rang.

He excused himself quickly, sending an apologetic look to Aoko and not-accidentally kicking Kaito's chair as he walked away from the table. Kaito flipped himself upright to glare at the detective's retreating back.

He didn't go far, though. Just outside the doors of the library, which, as everyone who'd actually been at the high school for more than six months knew, didn't totally shut.

Everyone at the table, recognizing their opportunity, fell very quiet to eavesdrop.

"Yes?" Hakuba said, then switched to english. Akako and Aoko looked disappointed. Kaito just perked up further.. " _Mother! How have you been? Yes, I… Oh. On… Yes, of course, I understand. Your work is... No, no, it's fine. I understand completely - I'm very excited for you. Send me pictures?"_ He laughed, a little. " _I'll tell her. We'll make it up some other time. Find some cases in France, and we'll make it a holiday. Of course. Yes. Love you too."_

"What's he saying?" Aoko whispered.

Kaito didn't have a chance to answer before Hakuba came back in. He flipped back upside down.

"My apologies," Hakuba said, taking his seat again. "You know I wouldn't normally let a call interrupt, but…"

"But it's different when dearest Mummy calls?" asked Kaito, nose in his book again.

Hakuba fixed him with a glare that would have inspired fear and remorse in anyone else. On Kaito, it only inspired him to turn the page of his book. "I suppose I know better than to assume you have a single shred of manners, Kuroba. But yes, that was my mother. There's enough of a time difference that calls from her are fairly rare - and often urgent."

Aoko nodded. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh - yes. She's fine. She just… She's been invited to speak at a major medical conference. She's one of the guests of honor, actually."

"How exciting!" Aoko said. "Will you be going to see her?"

"No." He shook his head. "The conference is in Albania, and I don't have enough time to get a visa. So I'll be staying here over Christmas, I suppose."

"Oh, that's coming up, isn't it?" mused Akako. "I was so focused on winter solstice that I completely forgot."

Kaito snorted, beneath the table. "Do you even celebrate Christmas?"

"Of course I do," Akako retorted. "The celebration of the birth of Christ through stress, greed, and rampant materialism? Please." She grinned. "It's the best kind of blasphemy."

"...You worry me," Kaito remarked.

"Yes, well, regardless." Hakuba shook his head. "I suppose I should see this as a learning opportunity. I've never spent a Christmas in Japan before, after all."

"It's pretty much the same, isn't it?" Aoko asked. "I mean, there's lights, and a tree, and fried chicken."

Hakuba blinked. "...Fried chicken?"

"The traditional Christmas meal. Fried chicken and sponge cake."

"Yeah Hakuba, don't you know anything?" Kaito prodded.

"...And sponge cake." Hakuba actually seemed to be deflating. "For _Christmas_."

"...Is it different, in England?"

"I think so, yes," Hakuba said. "There's turkey, for one."

Aoko paused. "What's a turkey?"

"It's like a chicken," Kaito said. "Crossed with a peacock. They don't live here."

"Oh." Aoko nodded. "What else?"

"Mince pies. Pudding. Cranberry sauce. Brussel sprouts."

"...Brussel sprouts?" Kaito asked, poking his head out from beneath the table. "For _Christmas_?"

"They're good," Hakuba said.

Kaito snorted. "Nevermind. I knew there was something wrong with you."

* * *

After study group, after everyone had gone their separate ways, four teenagers sat down at four computers and researched.

Hakuba's search log was as follows:  
 _Christmas in Japan  
_ _Japan England Christmas differences  
_ _Fried chicken Christmas real or fake  
_ _KFC Japan Christmas ad campaign  
_ _Japan Father Christmas  
_ _Doraemon Santa  
_ _Brain bleach  
_ _How to get Albanian Visa_

Aoko's search log wasn't too different.  
 _Christmas in England  
_ _What is mince pie  
_ _What is mincemeat  
_ _What is a turkey  
_ _Who is Father Christmas  
_ _What is the difference between Santa-san and Father Christmas  
_ _Fried Chicken Recipe_

Akako's search log:  
 _Christmas in England  
_ _Who is Father Christmas  
_ _St Nicholas sins  
_ _Saturnalia  
_ _Disturbing Christmas traditions  
_ _Krampus  
_ _Worship of Krampus  
_ _Calling upon powers of Krampus  
_ _Winter Solstice greeting cards_

And Kaito's search log:  
 _Christmas in England  
_ _England  
_ _British Crown Jewels  
_ _Worth and history of Cullinan Diamonds  
_ _Tower of London floor plan  
_ _Tower of London security system  
_ _Pictures of Tower of London guard uniform  
_ _Hang gliding guide to London_

The less said about that, the better.

* * *

That conversation repeated itself, in variations, over the next week or so. Aoko or Akako would mention a completely normal Christmas tradition - going out with a romantic partner on Christmas Eve, for instance, with a very pointed look in Kaito's direction in Akako's case - and Hakuba would pause and generally look like he'd stepped into a confusing mirror-dimension of some kind. Or Hakuba would casually mention something bizarre like Father Christmas putting presents in his _socks_ , and all of them would look as confused as the situation merited until Hakuba shrunk back a bit and realized that no, they really didn't do that here.

That happened a lot.

In fact, it happened so much that, miracle of miracles, it stopped being funny to Kaito. It had never been funny to Aoko, and even Akako got tired of it after the first six times or so, but after a full week of Hakuba looking perpetually more lost and homesick, Kaito was fed up with confused-and-miserable Hakuba.

The fact that Hakuba'd stopped yelling at him for pranks probably played into that.

So the next study group where Hakuba wasn't there (mysterious jewel theft in Beika, suspected to be linked to Kid, not actually linked to anything but an employee's gambling debts), he brought the subject up.

"I think," he said, "that we need to have a British Christmas."

Akako raised one elegantly sculpted eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because Hakuba misses it," Kaito said. "And he's no fun when he's miserable."

"True enough," Akako said. "Nakamori-chan?"

Aoko thought about that, then thought about Kaito, then shot him a warning look. "You're not going to use this to play pranks and make him _more_ miserable, are you?"

"Why, Aoko!" He put a hand over his heart and mimed shock. "How could you suspect such a thing of me?"

The flat look both girls shot him answered the question well enough.

"Okay, fine, yes. I have, in the past, done things that may qualify as _untrustworthy_ and _immature_ where our fine british detective is concerned. And I may, in certain lights, seem to be having a suspiciously rapid change of heart."

"You cuffed his ankle to his desk this morning," Aoko said.

"And he didn't even _yell_ ," Kaito emphasized. "He just gave me that kicked puppy look. The how-could-you-do-this-I-trusted-you-look. He looked like he'd _expected better_ from me." He paused. "I think we can all agree that that's a clear indication that something is wrong."

Akako snorted with laughter, and Aoko gave him one of the looks she'd learned from his mother that made him straighten up automatically. He cleared his throat and looked away.

"Okay," Aoko said. "You want to have a British Christmas."

"Yes. For Hakuba," Kaito said. "So he'll stop being miserable and come back to his senses and start reacting to when I fill his bag with glitter again."

Aoko, to her great credit, sent him another suspicious look. "And you won't do anything stupid in the meantime?"

"What would be the point?" Kaito asked, entirely honest for once. "He's no _fun_ like this."

"Okay." Aoko nodded decisively. "British Christmas. What all do we need to do?"

Kaito's grin, in any circumstance and especially this one, was worrying. "Gather round, minions. I have a _plan_."

* * *

At next study group, Hakuba arrived to find all three of his companions in Christmas sweaters.

He wasn't sure where they got them, but he did know who to blame - Kuroba, all the time, every time. He didn't have the energy to get mad about it, though, so he just slid into his chair with a sigh and tried to ignore the light-up reindeer on Kuroba's chest and the fact that Akako's was far more figure-hugging than any self-respecting sweater should be. Aoko's had snowflakes.

"So," she said. "We're writing letters to Father Christmas."

He paused. "Um. What?"

"Letters to Father Christmas!" She beamed. "Because you miss British Christmas. So we decided to do some British Christmas things!"

"Oh." He sat back at that. He hadn't written to Father Christmas since he was eight. But he appreciated the thought. "Thank you."

"Plus it's good english practice," Kaito drawled from where he was writing something that looked suspiciously like _three kilograms of strontium chloride_ on his letter. "Do we really burn them afterwards?"

"...Yes, that's traditional," Hakuba said, picking up a pen and starting _Dear Father Christmas_ in his absolute best handwriting, just out of childhood habit. "Father Christmas reads the smoke."

"A sound practice," Akako remarked. Hakuba tried not to read her list, but from here it looked like she was writing _leeches_.

"Can you do that?" Aoko asked.

"Of course I can," Akako said with a scoff, and turned back to her list.

By the time they were done, Aoko's requests were _Peace on earth, new set of kitchen knives, Two-Mix CD, arrest of Kaitou Kid_ , all of which were successfully guessed by Akako watching the smoke. Hakuba's list included _New socks, lower-profile gas mask, first edition Hound of the Baskervilles_ , which Akako mispronounced. Hakuba only saw some of Akako's list, and tried to avoid looking at the rest, but he knew it included _leeches, ceremonial candles,_ and _instructions for summoning Krampus._

Kaito's list, he didn't see, and Akako didn't get the chance to read the smoke. The letter turning into one of Kaito's doves put paid to that idea.

* * *

Christmas trees were one of the few things that British and Japanese Christmases have in common, so Hakuba was duly invited to help decorate Aoko's tree (a little plastic thing sitting on the kotatsu that was mostly decorated with little LEDs and origami shapes), Akako's tree (an absolutely massive live pine outside her spooky mansion, decorated with various poisonous plants and actual lit candles - and an unfortunate abundance of mistletoe) and Kaito's tree (decorated, initially, with popcorn strings and balls of birdseed - and then immediately and voluntarily decorated with his entire flock of doves.)

So of course, despite some reservations about allowing Kaito into his home, he invited them over to help with his.

Baaya, of course, was ecstatic. He'd never had friends over before, and she dabbed at her eyes and took photos of everyone when they arrived. Though that didn't imply that she was anything less than terrifyingly efficient. Boxes of expensive glass ornaments were sitting out, carefully unwrapped and polished already, and the whole house smelled of no less than six different kinds of cookie. There were candles in the windows, holly over the doorways, and every room was gleamingly clean. Even Hakuba was more prim and pressed than usual, and he wasn't entirely sure how it happened. He just knew better than to argue.

Kaito, surprisingly, didn't comment. But Hakuba could practically _see_ him thinking it, which was almost as bad.

Kaito took a surprisingly traditional - and _stunningly_ practical, considering - approach to decorating the tree. He weighed each ornament in his hand and selected a branch he thought would hold it, looped the string over securely, and smoothed the needles back down. Hakuba was half suspicious that he was hiding tricks in the tree while he worked - and let's be totally honest, he probably was - but he couldn't find any sign of it. Besides, Aoko was watching him too - and even if she wasn't a detective, she had a lot more experience Kuroba-wrangling than anyone else in the room.

Aoko, meanwhile, had to admire each ornament that she took out of the box, holding them up to the light and watching the sparkle of the glass. She took the time to ask the stories behind them, and even though Hakuba didn't know many of them - the ornaments that meant anything to him were all back in England - Baaya knew every one. She also complimented Baaya on the cookies, which was a brilliant move on her part. Baaya would love her forever now.

Akako had a bit of trouble, at first. Not with the tree, but with the doors. Apparently, druids used to use holly to repel evil spirits and witchcraft - and she qualified. The holly all looked wilted once she made it inside. But her contributions to the tree shone more brightly than any of the other ornaments, and if he believed in her magic he'd suspect it. She also had a knack for getting heavy ornaments to stay on thin branches, which he appreciated but made Baaya nervous.

In short, everything was fairly normal until it was time to put up the star.

In the few family Christmases from his childhood where everyone was present, putting up the star was his father's privilege - but his dad, as always, was working, and his mother wasn't here. Hakuba was never trusted with the crystal star as a child, fragile and expensive as it was, and even now there was an ingrained nervousness to touching it.

But as a large crystal _shiny_ , wild horses could not keep Kaito from taking the initiative. It ended up in his gloved - where did those come from? - hands before Hakuba could blink. He turned it over carefully, weighing it like he had the other ornaments. Aoko stood close and gasped over it, comparing it to something Kid would go after - a valid point, and Hakuba shot Kaito a _look_ that he pretended not to see. Baaya, at least, found the comparison flattering. Akako seemed to have the same idea, but the look she gave Kaito was expectant rather than warning.

"We really should have put this up first," Kaito said. "There aren't any decent climbing branches left without ornaments on them."

Aoko smacked the back of his head.

"What?" he complained. "It's a legitimate concern!"

"Or," Akako suggested, "I could go get my broom."

Baaya, who had not yet caught on to the _witch_ thing, assumed that Akako thought the star was dirty and rushed out for a polishing cloth. Hakuba winced in advance - she was going to go over the entire tree later, and Akako would forever bear the weight of the Baaya-opinion of _rude_.

"No magic," Hakuba said quickly. "Of _either_ kind."

Kuroba considered. "I could rappel up. How well anchored is that light fixture?"

" _Or_ ," Hakuba said pointedly, "we could get a stepstool, like _normal human beings._ "

"Boring," Kaito said, but there was a spark in his eyes that said _I'm joking and you fell for it_. It was something Hakuba saw a lot, around Kaito, but it wasn't malicious at all. He smiled.

"Right!" Aoko said. "Where's the stepstool?"

The stepstool was _just_ short enough that Kaito had to stand on his toes to reach the top of the tree. Of course he took the opportunity to look as unbalanced as a ridiculous acrobat possibly could, and Baaya arrived back just in time to catch what looked like Kaito half a second away from a very festive faceplant. She gasped, and Kaito grinned, and the star made it to the top of the tree without incident.

And Kaito gained the Baaya-opinion of _reckless_. Which was not as bad as _rude_ , but still.

They plugged the tree in, and watched the fairy lights refract and reflect and sparkle through the glass ornaments. Hakuba felt something warm and fuzzy in his chest, almost like happiness.

"It needs candles," Akako said. "It's just not festive without actual fire."

"No," said everyone else.

* * *

For a while, Hakuba thought that was going to be the end of his friends attempts at _proper British Christmas_. Just as well - he knew Aoko and Akako both harbored hopes of spending Christmas Eve with Kaito, and he wouldn't want to deprive them of their tradition just so he could have his. Not that there was much else he figured they'd do. By the Japanese tradition, present exchanges typically only took place in romantic relationship, more like Valentine's day. And he hardly expected them over for Christmas dinner.

Which is why, at an unexpected crime scene, he was taken completely by surprise.

Edogawa Conan (first at the scene, as always, because the kid was terrifying), who'd been kneeling by the cooling corpse and investigating the way she turned her socks up, was the first to notice. His head came up and swiveled towards the windows, eyes narrowing.

"...Do you hear that?"

Hakuba listened. Something like singing, from outside the building. Badly done, but a song he recognized.

" _Oh here we come a caroling amidst the leaves of green…"_

"...Oh you're kidding," he said, and walked over to the window.

All three of them were standing outside of the building, dressed in winter coats and grinning at the window. Foremost among the voices was Kaito, of course. He was the only one who could _speak_ passably in english, much less sing it. Aoko matched him for enthusiasm, good tone but terrible accent. Akako had a lovely voice, but wasn't really bothering to project - she seemed to be having trouble keeping up with the words in english, and was replacing them with words that sounded similar in japanese. Hakuba went to open the window - wait, no, the lock was broken, that was a _clue_ , he couldn't use this window. He went to the _next_ window, opened it, and shouted down.

"What are you doing?"

That stopped the singing, at least.

"Caroling," answered Kaito. "Amidst the leaves of green."

" _Why_."

"It's British."

"At a _crime scene?"_

"Well." Kaito almost floundered for a moment. "This is supposed to spread happiness and cheer, right? So what _better_ place than a crime scene?"

There was a pause.

"You have weird friends," Edogawa remarked from behind him.

"We tried at your house, but you weren't home," Aoko called up. "Do you think it'll take you long to solve?"

He glanced back to the woman on the floor, catalogued the hands, the smudged makeup, the bruises around the wrists, and the ice-pick in her forehead. "...Probably not!"

"It was the boyfriend!" Akako called up.

"What?" Hakuba asked, then leaned over so he could see around the doorframe to where the suspects were sitting. Boyfriend's hands would match the marks on the wrists, but that wasn't conclusive. "How do you know?"

"Her ghost told me."

Another pause.

"...Really weird friends," Edogawa said. "But I think she's right. Come have a look at her fingers."

"I have to go solve crimes now!" Hakuba called down. "Bye."

He shut the window and headed back over to where, sure enough, that sure did look like the boyfriend did it.

Outside, the singing started up again.

Fifteen minutes, two pieces of planted evidence, one dramatic confession and _seven badly mangled Christmas carols_ later, Hakuba was booted from the crime scene with the orders of _statements later, stop the singing now_. Edogawa wished him a Happy Christmas in english, which was nice of him.

Aoko and Akako, upon request, stopped singing.

Kaito started singing in french instead.

Because he was awful.

* * *

That was the last of it, Hakuba was fairly sure. He couldn't think of any more Christmas traditions that took place before the day itself - so hopefully he was safe. Not that he didn't appreciate the effort, but… Nice Kuroba was _suspicious_ Kuroba. He couldn't help but wait for the other shoe to drop.

Besides, the oddly romantic aspects of Japanese-Christmas-eve had kicked in. Kaito and Aoko were going… somewhere, he hadn't quite caught the details, alone, together, with absolutely none of the implications that would usually have (because heaven forbid they should admit to actually being _attracted_ to each other, oh no, not them). Akako was steaming over it, despite having received _twenty four_ , count them, offers from other boys. He thought he might have a nice, quiet evening in with Baaya - only for her to inform him one morning, giggling like a schoolgirl, that a nice gentleman named Konosuke Jii had asked her out. She'd be home for Christmas itself, of course. But. Well. Don't wait up.

He was okay with that, though. He'd spent most of his childhood entertaining himself. So he spent the day alone, in the very pleasant company of Baaya's christmas cookies, several pots of tea, and a BBC Sherlock marathon. (Kaito probably would've made some comment about Hakuba spending a romantic holiday with Sherlock Holmes. Kaito also would've been right.)

Around nine, he was actually tired - for some reason doing nothing seemed to wear him out. He set his alarm for 11:55 PM, which, if he was calculating the time zones correctly, should get him up just in time to watch the queen's speech being broadcast live.

So Hakuba nestled all snug in his bed, while visions of murderers danced in his head (what was in that tea) and slept, peacefully, until approximately 11:53.

Hakuba had always had an excellent sense of time, awake or asleep. While he couldn't count half-seconds without his pocketwatch, he'd always been able to figure the time to the minute just from his internal clock. It made alarm clocks more of a precaution than a necessity, as he'd always end up opening his eyes before it went off.

Tonight, though, he woke up to the odd, crawling sensation that _someone was in his room_.

He lay very still, giving no outer indication that he was awake, keeping his breathing slow and even while he catalogued every noise he could hear. There were no creaking floorboards, nothing to indicate that Baaya was home and checking on him, but there, by the foot of his bed, was the soft _ssh_ of fabric against fabric. It was infrequent, still, a whisper against the faint, distant sounds of the house settling, but definitely present. There was another small sound - a crinkle, like paper, and something that sounded almost - if one spent enough time around pranksters - like a stifled laugh.

He checked his internal clock. 11:54, with the alarm going off in less than twenty seconds. That would give him the distraction he needed to catch the intruder by surprise. Slowly, carefully, he allowed his muscles to tense, ready to move.

11:55. The alarm shrieked to life. Hakuba launched himself out of bed, hitting the light switch in less than a second. The intruder yelped in alarm - or maybe pain - as the lights snapped on, and Hakuba whirled to face…

Father Christmas?

Or rather, Kuroba Kaito, _dressed_ as Father Christmas, which didn't make much more sense. The build and acrobatic posture were instantly recognizable, despite the loose red coat hanging oversized on his shoulders and the laughably false beard he was wearing.

And he'd never seen a depiction of Father Christmas that included night vision goggles.

Kaito pulled off the goggles, biting off a curse, and the beard came with them. He glared at Hakuba, rubbing his eyes. " _Ow_ ," he said pointedly.

"And happy Christmas to you too," Hakuba said, turning off his alarm clock. "What are you doing?"

Though, now that his own eyes had adjusted, he didn't really need an answer. Part of Kaito's Father Christmas outfit was a nearly empty sack, and pinned to the foot of Hakuba's bed were what looked to be the entire contents of his sock drawer. Filled with small paper packages.

"Spreading Christmas cheer," Kaito said. "No thanks to you, _Scrooge._ Who sets an alarm for midnight?"

"11:55, actually," Hakuba corrected, almost absently. "And you're dressed as Father Christmas… why?"

"Authenticity."

Hakuba stared at him for a moment, until something else occurred to him. "Wait. Isn't Konosuke Jii your assistant?"

"...Yeah, why?"

Hakuba leveled his absolute best British-disapproval-and-shame glare at Kaito. The magician actually flinched at that one. "Did you _seriously_ have your assistant ask Baaya out just to get her out of the house?"

"No!" Kaito said quickly. "He just - he met her, at the last Kaitou Kid heist - which I _wasn't at,_ by the way, Jii's just a fan - and they hit it off, and…" Kaito trailed off, then started rubbing his forehead. "It's. Going alarmingly well, actually. Senior citizen PDA all evening. Thanks for reminding me of those terrible, terrible mental images. Happy Christmas to you."

Hakuba stared for a moment, caught up a particular mental scene that he had never, ever wanted to see. "...Right," he finally said. "I'm going to go watch the queen's speech. If you're gone by the time that's over, we can pretend this never happened."

"Magic of Christmas," Kaito agreed, before something occurred to him. "Wait. Watch the speech where?"

"...In the study," Hakuba said slowly. " _Why_."

"Um."

Hakuba stared at Kuroba a moment longer, then walked, silently, down the hall towards the study, with Kuroba trailing guiltily after.

He hadn't heard it before, but now that he was listening - yes, those were quiet footsteps down in the kitchen. And soft conversation from the direction of the study. And Baaya's high-pitched, girlish laugh that she only broke out when someone caught her off guard. Add that to the smell of something like cinnamon, and there was only one conclusion.

"...She's in on it."

"I told you," Kaito said. "Senior citizen PDA. All. Evening. Probably still going on. Hopefully they've moved to the kitchen. Not that I want to inflict them on Aoko, but, well."

"...Aoko's in on it too?" He stopped short. "I thought you and she were…"

"Out all day picking up supplies?" Kuroba grinned. "Yes. Nothing says _romance_ like foreign grocery stores! Speaking of." He pulled something out of his sack. "Couldn't get this one into a sock. Happy Christmas." He handed it over to Hakuba. "And I hope you appreciate it, because that stuff is _impossible_ to find over here."

Hakuba unwrapped it carefully. From the weight and size and subtle shifting of the box's contents, he was pretty sure, but…

"...Yorkshire Gold," he read aloud. Tea. One of his favorite brands. "Thank you."

"There's more, back in your sock collection - and may I reiterate, that is the _weirdest tradition ever_ \- but like I said, this one wouldn't fit." He glanced at his wrist, and nonexistent watch. "Now, I believe you have a monarchy to support?"

Hakuba was promptly ushered into the study - mercifully free of elderly makeouts - and proceeded to discover that he'd forgotten about the international date line. The queen's speech would be on at midnight, yes - midnight tomorrow. He groaned, flopped backwards, and put his forearm over his eyes.

After a moment, Kaito wandered back in and took a seat on the sofa next to him.

"I've been banished," he said, by way of explanation. "That mince pie stuff is weird. Good, though."

Aoko followed him in a moment after. "You okay?"

Hakuba spent a few moments trying to convince Aoko that he was okay - apparently he looked seriously exhausted. It always took him a while to wake up properly, in the absence of adrenaline. Baaya came in at the tail end of it, holding hands with an elderly gentleman that, now that he thought about it, he'd definitely seen at more than one heist. But he'd think about that later.

"Is your other friend going to be coming?" Baaya asked Kaito.

"She had to finish up a spell," Kaito said, glancing towards the window, where snow was beginning to fall. "Looks like she's done, actually. We'll probably see her sometime tomorrow morning."

"Or today morning, actually," Hakuba said. "Koizumi-san is coming?"

"Yep!" Kaito's grin was the sort that normally made Hakuba worry. "Might be late, though. Apparently summoning weather systems is tiring?"

"Plus she had that date," Aoko remarked.

"Those twenty four dates," Kaito said. Aoko smacked him gently.

"This was all supposed to be a surprise," Baaya said, catching Hakuba's attention. "I didn't figure on you waking up. But," she said, with the sort of look that Hakuba more associated with Kaito than with his elderly housekeeper, "now that you're up, I'll put you to work!"

It was almost ridiculously late before they all finally got to sleep again. Baaya and her new boyfriend - Konosuke-san, Jii-chan, depends on who you ask - nodded off on the couch around one. Kaito dropped into an utterly boneless nap on the kitchen counter around two thirty, and it was nearly three before Hakuba finally convinced Aoko to give up on preparations and ushered her to a guest room. He dropped off himself at 3:07 exactly.

And woke up again, at 10:13 AM, to the sound of Kaito's deliberately awful carolling.

" _Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Falalalala, lala la la! Tis the season to be jolly! Falalalala, lala la la!_ "

Hakuba groaned, rolled over, and tried to go back to sleep.

Kaito, undeterred, finished the song, and started over with the original, older set of lyrics.

" _Oh how soft my fair one's bosom, falalalala-"_

"I'm _up!"_ Hakuba shouted, cutting him off.

"Good morning to you too," Kaito said with a grin. "Get up, sleeping beauty. You've got presents to open."

Hakuba, through great force of will, did _not_ grumble as he collected the various present-stuffed socks that had been tacked to the foot of his bed and followed Kaito down the hall again. Everyone - Akako included - seemed to have gathered around the tree, which had acquired its own collection of presents - some oddly wrapped, but at least none of the others were jammed into socks. Outside, a fresh blanket of snow lay across the ground, and Akako seemed extremely proud of that.

Baaya, looking as polished as if she'd been up for hours, pulled him aside.

"I know this is a surprise," she whispered, "So I've gotten things for your friends from you, so you don't have to worry."

"Thank you," he said quietly.

Hakuba, as it turned out, had gotten Aoko a lovely scarf, Akako a lovely scarf, and Kaito, unsurprisingly, a lovely scarf, which he proceeded to make paper animals appear out of. Thank you Baaya. Akako gave everyone various dubious magic charms; Hakuba's was supposed to protect against confusion. Which he supposed, if it worked, would be useful. Baaya's protected against arthritis pains, Aoko's against heartbreak, and Kaito and Konosuke-san's, worryingly enough, against bullets. Konosuke-san had brought everyone lovely knit hats to go with their lovely scarves. Baaya's gifts to everyone were edible, and mostly very sweet.

Someone - not pointing any fingers - had even brought a gift for Watson. Raw meat, with a bow on it! (She loved it, of course.)

As for the little gifts that had been stuffed into his socks, Kaito hadn't been kidding about the foreign grocery stores. The spread of them was like a guide to British imports. Jammie Dodgers, Twinings, Hobnobs, PG Tips, Jaffa Cakes, Branston Pickle, Rich Tea Biscuits, and on and on and on. He started passing around the sweets as he opened them, because there was no way he could get through them all on his own, and Kaito seemed to be part vacuum cleaner when it came to sugar.

By the time he'd finished opening them, Baaya was passing around mulled wine and dropping hints that they _might_ want to move to the dining room. A bit early in the day, probably, but anything that kept Kaito from getting bored was a plan he was on board with.

"So," Kaito said, "We couldn't find any Christmas crackers, and believe me, we looked."

"That's alright," Hakuba started to say, but Kaito kept talking.

"So I made my own!"

...Oh boy.

He didn't know _what_ Kaito put in those. They were supposed to _pop_ , but Kaito's made more of a gunshot noise - accompanied by showers of multicolored sparks. Konosuke was just about the only person that didn't jump out of his skin, other than the magician himself. They lacked terrible jokes - thank goodness, because he did _not_ want to explain Kaito's sense of humor to Baaya - but still contained paper crowns.

...Which seemed to have actual jewels on them.

"Kuroba," Hakuba said quietly, "are these the _actual crown jewels?_ "

"No," said Kaito, grinning. "Just very convincing replicas."

Hakuba sent him a deeply suspicious look, but figured that if the actual crown jewels had been stolen, he would have heard about it before now, so he might as well let it pass. Though he did fully intend to inspect the one he got later, just to check.

"Very, very convincing replicas."

Yeah, he was checking.

But until then, Baaya wore her new brooch - if that was the _actual_ Cullinan V he was going to literally murder Kuroba - very proudly, and Hakuba could hardly object to that.

Aoko traded what looked to be the Black Prince's Ruby to Akako for the Cullinan I.

"Seriously. They're fake. Stop panicking." Kaito tossed his - the combination of Cullinan III and IV - from hand to hand. "I thought they'd be appropriately British."

Hakuba looked down to his own prize - the Cullinan IX ring - and tried to convince himself Kaito was telling the truth.

It didn't work.

Luckily, Baaya drew his attention back to the festivities by showing Konosuke-san how to wear the paper crown, and everyone else at the table followed suit. Akako red, Aoko blue, Hakuba white - he was beginning to see a pattern here - Kuroba black, Konosuke yellow. Baaya's name didn't have a color in it - even if Kuroba'd known her name - so hers was lavender.

Konosuke gave Baaya his prize - the Queen Consort's Ring.

"Stop hyperventilating, Hakuba, seriously, _they're fake._ "

Aoko smacked him.

"They _are!_ "

"Just go get your magnifier," Baaya said. "I know you won't be satisfied until you check."

They were fake.

Hakuba had _never_ been so happy to be proven wrong.

Dinner was… interesting, to say the least. Baaya'd set out a spread of traditional British foods, which most of those present had never tried before.

Kaito, Aoko, and Akako were united in believing that brussel sprouts were disgusting. Konosuke ate them without complaint, but Hakuba suspected that he was only doing so to impress Baaya. Hakuba was probably the only person at the table who actually liked them. Mince pies went over well. Aoko was a little confused about there not being actual meat in them. Akako's somehow ended up with meat anyway, and nobody wanted to think about that. Cranberry sauce - Kaito really liked this, for some reason, and ended up putting it on everything else. Including the vegetables. Yorkshire pudding - Aoko and Akako ate it normally enough; Kaito filled his with cranberry sauce. Pigs in blankets - Konosuke's favorite. Devils on horseback - Akako declared them wonderful based only on the name. Aoko thought they were a strange use of bacon.

They had fried chicken instead of turkey.

"It's just not Christmas without fried chicken," Aoko pointed out, and Hakuba didn't say anything else.

As for the proper Christmas pudding - by the time that came around, nobody wanted anything to do with food for a while.

According to Kaito's research, apparently, the next step in proper-British-Christmas was either card games or the queen's speech, but since that second one wouldn't be an option for a while yet, card games it was. Hakuba gave Kaito another one of those deeply suspicious looks that he was getting so good at, and pointed out that it was more typically _board_ games, but agreed.

Poker, Blackjack, Old Maid, and Go Fish all rapidly turned into games of "figure out how Kaito is cheating."

Hakuba usually won.

At precisely three in the afternoon, Baaya brought down her laptop and set it in front of Hakuba, interrupting the current game of "how is Kaito cheating at Crazy 8s" which Aoko actually looked to be on the way to winning (she had a better view up his sleeves this time). It was already booted up, with a video conferencing program open.

"Baaya?" Hakuba asked. "What am I doing here?"

"She's supposed to call," Baaya said. "It's early over there, but you know she's so punctual."

And, as if on cue, the little ringing sound started up. Hakuba clicked the answer call button as Kaito scooted around so he could see the screen without being in view of the camera. The screen flickered for a bit as the cameras adjusted to the light.

And his mother came into focus.

"Saguru!" she said. " _Happy Christmas!_ "

" _Happy Christmas to you,_ " he replied, in english. " _How are you doing?"_

" _Hung over,"_ she admitted mournfully. " _Never party with anesthesiologists. You?"_

" _I'm… good,"_ he answered. " _Surprisingly good."_

" _Are you having a good holiday?_ "

" _Yes, actually,_ " he said. " _Some friends of mine surprised me."_

His mother blinked, apparently surprised herself. " _Saguru,_ " she said slowly. " _Do you mean to tell me that you've actually made friends_?"

He smiled a bit at that, almost ruefully. " _Yes, Mother, I actually have._ "

" _More accurately,"_ said Kaito, leaning into the frame, " _Aoko dragged us all unwilling into the bonds of friendship, and we have yet to escape. Hello, Mrs. Hakuba."_

" _Doctor Hakuba_ ," Hakuba corrected, but his mother squealed excitedly.

" _You didn't tell me they were still there! Bring them over, let me meet them!"_

Hakuba gave his very best put-upon sigh. " _This is Kuroba Kaito. He's awful but somehow I'm stuck with him._ "

" _I am awful,_ " Kaito confirmed with a grin. " _And it's good to meet you._ "

He waved the girls over, and they shoved into the frame with wide grins. " _This is Nakamori Aoko, and Koizumi Akako_ ," Hakuba said. " _Inspector Nakamori's daughter, and.._ what did you say you were?"

"Heir to the throne of red magic," Akako said. "I can give you my full title but you probably don't want to translate it."

"... _A classmate,"_ he said. " _Respectively."_

"Konichiwa, Hakuba-san," Aoko said brightly.

"Sensei," Kaito said. "She's a doctor."

"Hakuba-sensei!" she corrected quickly. "Sorry."

"Ah - hello to you too," his mother answered slowly. Her accent was terrible, but nobody particularly minded. "It's good to meet you all."

" _Good to meet you too_ ," Aoko answered, in her choppy, accented english. Akako just nodded, then disappeared from the frame to make room for Baaya to wave hello.

"... _Baaya,_ " Hakuba's mother said slowly. " _Why are you wearing the crown jewels?_ "

That devolved rapidly into a bilingual explanation of the day, with interjections on all sides, and Hakuba actually having to hold the magnifier up to the webcam to show that yes, they weren't actually the real crown jewels. That turned into an explanation of his friendships - " _We met when he tried to handcuff us together in a darkened museum_ " being Kaito's most terrible awful Kaito-ish contribution - and ended with Baaya implying certain things about her heartfelt approval for Aoko and general thoughts about Hakuba's marriage prospects.

At which point Hakuba felt that he really, really needed to get his mother talking and thinking about something else, and Kaito, as if telepathic in his own awful way, declared that it was Christmas magic show time.

"We've already had our card tricks," he said, addressing Hakuba's mother.

" _He cheats at everything_ ," Hakuba said by way of explanation.

"So we'll move on to the particularly festive part of the act!" He moved over to stand by the Christmas tree. "If I could get a drum roll please?"

Konosuke-san and Baaya obliged on the tabletop.

" _I knew he'd done something to it,_ " Hakuba sighed.

" _As long as it's a non-incendiary something I'd be happy, dear."_

Something like a tiny detonator switch had appeared in Kaito's hand. "And… Happy Christmas!" Flowers blossomed all across the branches of the tree in brilliant, vivid red, magician's roses among the lights. They weren't real - of course they weren't, if he'd set them when he helped decorate the tree - and some of them had fiberoptic pinpricks of light in them, giving the tree even more of a sparkle than before.

" _I checked for those,"_ Hakuba said, almost indignant in surprise.

" _You'll figure it out_ ," his mother answered, laughing, "Bravo, Kuroba-kun!"

He took a deep bow, grinning.

Baaya decided that she needed to get new pictures of the tree, and shooed Hakuba off to talk to his mother in private. He took the laptop into the kitchen, and set it down atop the dusting of flour that still covered every flat surface.

" _The conference is going well?_ " he asked.

" _Of course it isn't,_ " she said. " _You know how these things go. But it's all going wrong in a festive way, so I suppose I can't complain._ " She shook her head. " _I'd rather spend Christmas with you. You know that._ "

" _I do."_

" _But…_ " she trailed off, thinking. " _I was worried about you, you know? I thought I'd find you alone with Sherlock Holmes again._ "

"... _That was yesterday, actually_ ," he said, blushing a bit.

" _But here you've made such lovely friends - I know you have a hard time with that - and you seem to be having such fun. I wish I could be over there."_ She smiled. " _Saguru. Tell me."_

" _Yes?"_

" _Are you happy?"_

" _...Yes,"_ he answered, almost surprised himself. There was more emotion in his voice than he was typically comfortable with - but it was Christmas. It was allowed. " _I didn't expect to be. But they're. They're good friends."_

Her smile got a bit wider. " _Even the awful one?"_

Hakuba laughed. " _Probably especially him._ "

" _Well. Go have fun, then."_ She shook her head. " _Happy Christmas, Saguru."_

" _Happy Christmas."_

And it was.


End file.
